Invisible Hurt

Posted: December 11, 2016 in Uncategorized

You know when you carry around hurt and it feels like a cement block with chains dragging you down? I’ve been letting someone have control over my heart who is not the Creator of the Umiverse.

The lies come from Satan and they are not true. I am beautiful and made in God’s image. And that is enough. Always.

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Just got an email this afternoon from my ex-spouse (the emotionally abusive one) that he is getting married in a month.

So how do I handle this?  I don’t care on 99% of the levels but I do have some concerns.  He’s replacing me.  My kids have grown further and farther away from me in the past year and now it’s starting to make sense.  He’s had this person by his side the whole time and the girls kept it from me as well as he did.

So how to be dignified and graceful in this situation?  I’m not quite sure yet that is why I’m writing this down in the hopes that someone can relate to this situation or be helped by something I say here.

So a month.  Really?  He made sure to include the fact the girls like her and she cooks, plays Minecraft, colors with them.  Basically replacing me as I do those things too.  She’s never had children of her own…and she’s moving in on mine.  Maybe she’ll be great.  I’d like to meet her.

I’m going to have to up my A-game but in a dignified way.

How do you be dignified when you are in primal mode?  I really need to listen to my chill out playlist on iTunes.  And I need to listen to the Matthew West song “Forgiveness” until I can forgive him for this last thing he’s done to my  heart.

This week I was verbally assaulted by my children.  Know this:  I’m a very tough person.  My mom says I’m the most courageous person she knows.  My brother said that too.  I get out of bed every day, whether I feel like it physically or not.  I have fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder with a significant amount of anxiety that goes along with the bipolar disorder.  Yet I get up, I work.  Sometimes I’m so physically tired I can barely do anything when I get home.  My parents don’t understand it.  I wish they would.  They think my house should be ready for company at any time.  And that THAT is the reason the kids don’t want to come over.

Which leaves me with my dog.  And my two birds. Right now I want to go home, get my exercise clothes on and walk my dog, in the dark.  And walk until the hurt dies down a little bit.

If you have any suggestions as to how to rise above the emotions I’m feeling I’d love to hear from you or hear your stories.  God is still on the throne.  The sun will rise again tomorrow and the moon will come up tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up and it will be another day at work.  Then I have a whole weekend with my girls.  I have plenty to do with them.

See…my chains are gone.  Forgiveness means my chains are gone.  I’m no longer a prisoner of hate.  I’m ME.  And that is enough.

 

 

 

The Alpha and Omega

Posted: October 22, 2015 in Crazy Life of Mine
Tags: ,

The other day I was sitting at the stoplight behind a vehicle with sorority symbols.  It got me to thinking how God is the Alpha (beginning) and the Omega (end). It was a good reminder that what God sees is the whole of my life from the beginning to the end. 

It is comforting to know that my life was planned by Him and that he knows what will happen each and every moment.

When things feel big I try to remember that I serve the Alpha and the Omega and it puts things in perspective!

And so fall has crept up on me and I realized I haven’t posted in a while! Driving down the road tonight there were the prettiest almost scarlet colored trees in a long row. It was gorgeous!

Tonight I’m really struggling with pain from fibromyalgia. Every time I got up to get a drink today my whole body creaked!!! Literally I feel like every single muscle is in pain. Excruciating pain. Literally my toes all the way to my neck and head hurt.

Trying not to whine is hard. I work hard despite the pain. Many people go on disability because of what I have but I want to work! I want to fight back!

To top that I miss my kids more than words can say. I hope to get back into a routine with them soon, because my heart misses them!

In other news my new sleep study determined I don’t have sleep apnea!!!!! Woot! No more cpap at night!

And so for that I am thankful,

I realized today that I have not written in 159 days. Let me clue you in.

Back in March I got pneumonia, then a sinus infection and an earache all within a month. My labs showed high white blood count and my doc sent me out to a hematologist/oncologist.  They were concerned I might have leukemia. 

After we ruled that out they thought I might have lymphoma. Nope. Then because my heart was enlarged on an X-ray they had me do an echocardiogram. My heart is fine.

Then they thought maybe lupus. The rheumatologist ruled that out finally this summer but did diagnose me with fibromyalgia.

I thought that was a bunch of bunk until I wound up with it.  There have been days the touch of clothing hurts. I currently sleep under my velvet blanket inside out with the velvet facing me. My down comforter was too heavy!

This summer I walked down halls I had hoped to avoid at a hospital. Saw familiar nurses and doctors. Social workers. My brain broke or that’s what it felt like. I came there very manic and eventually left very mellow. And flat. But maybe flat is good, is normal?

Made a decision to get myself better before having my kiddos but each day feels like an eternity when we are apart. I miss hearing giggles, watching nail polish be applied. I miss watching my eldest child bloom into a glorious flower. Kid has smarts and brains. Both are sweet. 

I’ll try to keep it from being 159 days until I write again.

15 years ago today I said “I do.”  And this morning I woke up and drove to work singing worship songs.

Got to work and thought to myself:  it’s just another day, it has no power.

Then I went to work.  And that was that.

I’m no longer mourning my past.  It’s a new day!

All Rise

Posted: April 6, 2015 in Forgiveness
Tags: , ,

“All rise,” the bailiff proclaimed loudly.

I didn’t want to rise that day or any of the other days I was in court for my divorce. Rise? I wanted to crawl under that table on my side of the courtroom.

Rise? Of course I gave that judge the dignity he deserved for a lifetime of service. He had earned it so I rose. Each time he entered the courtroom.

Part of me died that day back in December of 2010. My heart surely broke, that much is true. Everyone that knows me knows that.

Rise? I wanted to get on all four hands and knees and crawl my way out of that courtroom. But this thing called a divorce was happening and all I knew to do was listen to my family and my attorneys. So I did.

Rise? The very word was the opposite of what was actually happening. We were lowering ourselves. He had given up and after the divorce I would too.

A month or so ago I prayed that God would help me remember some memories that I don’t have. I begged him to help me remember some memories that were taken from me due to some unusual medical circumstances and treatments.

Tonight as I watched a movie based in a courtroom when the bailiff in the movie proclaimed “all rise”, I was immediately transported back to that courtroom so many years ago. My courtroom.

And the tears began to fall like rain. After I finished the movie I was sitting, crying uncontrollably. Then I realized that if my memory was restored that it would include the good and the bad.

Rise? I’m willing to rise from my fallen countenance if it means remembering more of my children’s young memories. If it means remembering playing in the sandbox with them I am willing to rise above the sadness to remember.

So, with God’s help, I will rise. I refuse to be a prisoner of the bad memories only. I embrace every good memory I have, even of my marriage. Because it all is what has made me ME. And I’m learning to like ME a little bit more with each year.