Not a Yoga Pant Mom

Posted: February 28, 2014 in Forgiveness
Tags: , , , ,

I am not a yoga pant wearing, Starbuck’s toting, ponytailed kind of mom. Just got back from the science fair and am filled with profound emotions once again.

My world is filled with wonderful in tact families and what look to be very happy children. I used to be one of these families. Now I’m not. Although I’ve tried to pick up the pieces of my life with God’s arms holding me up, I am still profoundly saddened every time I am in large groups of families.

I call it my new normal but there’s nothing normal about my life I feel. Unless you have walked in my shoes you don’t understand why I stood in my bathroom and cried this morning because my girls were at their dad’s.

Unless you’ve lived through and survived a marriage that I had you can’t possibly know what it’s like to be in the vicsinity of your ex spouse and have PTSD bounce back symptoms once in a while when you see him.

Laying here in my bed pondering these complex emotions . Giving myself some grace for a few minutes then I’m going to have to shut it off again and re-engage in my new normal. Part of me wishes I could rewind to about 2004 when was the last time my little family was together and happy. (We divorced in 2010. Been on my own since 2008)

And yet as the tears start to cease, I am reminded again that I am being held securely by my Creator. He has used the shattering of my dreams to bring me closer to Him, to allow me to encounter Him in a way that I believe can only happen when we are stripped bare of our dreams.

Listening to Matthew West’s song “Forgiveness” on a loop. Over and over in the hopes that I will remember once again that I have to let this pain go AGAIN, put it aside and choose to forgive him as Christ forgave me.

For me, the act of forgiveness is an act of obedience to God. It’s opposite to how I feel but it’s necessary. Somewhere in between the PTSDish flashbacks of emotions that got triggered there is peace. And it can only be found if I lay my hurt down at the feet of Jesus.

Image courtesy of Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Comments
  1. David says:

    Prayed for you. Sometimes He has to take us low before we cling to Him like nothing else, before we have nothing else. I was reminded of the song A Little Longer earlier today, I listen to it now and again when I want to just let go and press reset a little.

    Like

  2. I get that PTSD feeling all too well… It’s like a body slam to the past.

    Like

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