Cosmic Swiffer Duster

Posted: March 9, 2014 in 70 x 70: Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Tags: , ,

Being present. I swear if I heard another therapist tell me that I was going to scream. I hate pop psychology buzz words like that. Be present. Be intentional. Although the concepts are good they lack depth of purpose. Just doing those things on your own, in your own strength will be unlikely to bring forth change.

“Don’t try so hard to look past the moment. Come on, open your window; let the light shine in. This is life, don’t miss it!”-Francesca Battistelli, Don’t Miss It.

My apartment basement holds my storage unit where my life from years ago is being stored. It’s gathering cobwebs much like my heart is. I was just down in the basement doing laundry and walked over to the area. Standing there I wished that it could all go away, that I could just throw it out and start fresh.

I realized that I could move but that would not change anything in my life. The cobwebs would come back unless I start cleaning. The cobwebs in my heart that hold me back from so many things can only be cleared by God.

I realized something yesterday as I was driving to church. Although I have forgiven my ex husband (no he never asked; it just needed to be done) I have not forgiven myself. Another pop psychology phrase. I realized that I could work through these issues but that wouldn’t really resolve anything.

I know God has forgiven me so if I cannot give myself some grace I cheapening His. The thing about forgiveness and grace is that it doesn’t erase. I live with the consequences of my choices every day and I cannot just forget those because my life is a reminder that something is just not the same.

But it’s not all been bad. God worked in my heart over years (4.5 exactly) to help me forgive my ex husband. It was, by far, the hardest emotional journey I’ve been on this far in my life.

But I’m stuck. I feel like I’m on a pilot’s holding pattern around an airport or base. Forever waiting, never feeling my wheels make contact on the runway. Paralyzing fear and anxiety threaten my peace and they are my enemy that stalks me daily. I’m not sure if they are situational, are part if having bipolar disorder (very common), or stealthy attacks by my Enemy.

Today I ask God, humbly, to clear out the cobwebs in my life so I won’t miss another moment.

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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