14 Years Ago Tomorrow

Posted: April 8, 2014 in 70 x 70: Forgiveness
Tags: , , , , ,

14 years ago tomorrow was the happiest day of my life. My family and friends all gathered together to celebrate my wedding day, April 8, 2000. I was filled with wonder and joy as I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend.

It’s 2014. Fast forward from 2000. In 2008 my spouse filed for divorce and we spent two very long years trying to reach an agreement. Do I believe in divorce? I hold to the Bible’s view that it should be for adultery only. Did I want it? Nope. Did it happen? Yep.

My marriage was difficult for many reasons. I own my part in its failure and have let it go. I am not responsible for its failure. For reasons I am not ready to say in a public forum yet, I think it’s good that I’m no longer married. No one cheated but here we are.

I had a good first two years, four tops. Then it disintegrated like a piece of rotten wood. Slowly piece by piece of me was chipped away until I no longer wanted to live. Those of you who know me know some of this. I was hospitalized for depression many times, more than I want to say. My world, my marriage was ending and I felt little reason to go on often.

I knew that I could not leave my girls without a mother so day by day I hung on. God used the darkest hours of my life to become so real to me. Although I had been a Christian since I was seven, I met Him in a way that profoundly changed me life.

I had misplaced my identity in being a mom and a wife and when those things were taken away from me I no longer knew who I was. On many levels. I had lost everything that had made me “me.” I went from living to merely surviving. I had forgotten that my identity comes from who God says I am, not who others said I was. I had to erase the tapes in my head from someone I loved that were damaging. I still sometimes hear those tapes but now I know better than to pay attention to them.

Sometimes when bad things happen people wish they could undo those things and have a do over. Although the very human and somewhat still broken part of me can relate to that I would not choose to change what happened to me. Although I will have lots to ask of God when I get to Heaven I am content to know that He sees the whole picture and I just see a piece.

I trust that God has and will continue to use my shattered dreams to bring Him glory. If I would have never married I would not be the fortunate mother of the two most amazing daughters. Being their mom truly is the best part of this human life. Knowing they will spend eternity with me makes the lonely nights without them more bearable.

So it’s 14 years later. I am no longer who I once was. I don’t know that I am better but different. I trust God each and every day with, well, everything. I have no other real choice.

He has become my father, my mother, my husband, my all in all. Anything good I have comes from Him and is a blessing.

Going on over five years since I had to move out of my home. I left that day with my sofa, two chairs, a cookie sheet, wooden spoon and my clothes and a pillow. I slept on a blow up camping mattress that would deflate in the night. Living was painful but I was determined not to give up. I had this feeling that I had been set free.

There is a Steven Curtis Chapman song that sums up how I’m feeling tonight:

remember your chains are gone

I am free and the chains that held me prisoner are gone. I’m BACK

.

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