I’m All In

Posted: April 17, 2014 in Crazy Life of Mine
Tags: , , ,

Sometimes I feel like I’m just coming up for air then boom! Since I’ve only ever been me this might be normal, I’m not sure. The very thing I long for-something constant down here on earth still eludes me. One again I am learning the same lesson over again. The only constant I have in my life, maybe that I’ve ever had, is my relationship with God.

I long for a job that pays my bills, I long for a car that isn’t twenty years old, I long for my children’s time and a place to live that’s better for us.

I have forgotten that in August 2012 I was close to being homeless. I was close to not being able to pay my rent. I had recently started going to my church and they stepped in and paid my rent and utilities for September of that month and kept me from being evicted.

I had already purchased a sleeping bag and was anticipating having to sleep in my car or outside. I was beyond stressed out. I wasn’t concerned about walking away from my “stuff” but I was concerned I’d lose my kids or the ability to see them consistently.

My mind and body finally couldn’t cope and I checked myself into the hospital. After there for about a week I became physically ill and my kidneys almost shut down. I was rushed by ambulance to the ER if another hospital to the ICU. I didn’t come to until about six days later.

Laying in that bed after I woke up, everything changed. I had circled the bottom emotionally and physically and I realized how desperately I wanted to live. And not just exist, but to really love. To fully engage in my life, no matter how scary or how hard or big. To grab back onto God in a way that changed me from the inside out.

I knew that I could never quit, that my children needed me. My life was not my own. So I re-engaged and threw myself at the Savior’s feet once again and held on tightly.

Life is still hard. I have had to choose between medicine and food. I live paycheck to paycheck. Literally. I have five dollars in my account right now. Still, in the middle of this God has met my needs, often through His people, my friends and family. I’ve received checks in the mail out of the blue, boxes of clothes, gift cards, money so I could buy my girls Christmas presents, cash in a card and more.

I am humbled. I grew up in a very fortunate life, never had to worry about money and grew up in what some would deal a perfect life. Now I have become the queen of making my funds stretch. My favorite store is now a thrift store. The other day I was taking to one of my girls about grocery shopping and talked about the price of chocolate chips and how they went up. She thought it was amazing I knew that much. I was able to share how I was called to be a good steward of what God has given me.

My definition of success has changed. I’ve never been driven to financial success but have always had it as a minor and when I was married. When I was divorced I started with nothing. I’ve accumulated a few things since then but I am still one paycheck from insolvency.

I just want to have an impact for Christ. That is my hope and desire. I desire to be a good mom and hope that how I parent will be what my children need. May they remember not what we didn’t have but for what we do have-each other.

I’m tired and life is a lot sometimes but I trust in the one who made me. I’m all in.

It’s not about stuff. I’ve had a lot and nothing and neither brings satisfaction because peace comes only in God, not in the car you drive, the clothes you wear or the size of your paycheck. Perhaps we are measured by the impact we have on others for Christ. Beyond that what really else matters?

Tonight I give my future once again to the one who holds my past, my present and has my future mapped out. Glad I’m not running this show.


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