Archive for May, 2014

I choose to reach out and let down all the fear I’ve been hiding. It’s a risk.

It’s a beautiful thing to know and be known. -Francesca Batistelli

I’m only brave because God is making me that way but it wasn’t always so. I know what it’s like to walk on eggshells in your own house, around those who are supposed to love you. I know what it felt like to feel isolated and afraid to reach out, ashamed even. I was made to feel like all the problems in my marriage were my fault.

Of course I made mistakes. I’m very very human but the difference between my ex spouse and me is that I was willing to accept responsibility for my part.

In sickness and in health. yea, right. Living with someone with bipolar disorder is I’m sure hard and probably gut wrenching at times. I’m not blind to the fact that my depression and anxiety from it effected my relationships.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to be convinced by your ex that you should commit yourself to learn term mental health facility? He actually convinced me at some point that would be in the best interest of everyone involved. Mine or his?

Looking back is very painful. I’ve put a lot of it inside to cope. I’ve been afraid to talk about it for fear of reprisals from HIM. I’m done being afraid.

I have lived for about ten years afraid, since about the time my youngest was born. Afraid to rock the boat, afraid to talk openly about what I lived through. Afraid it would someday be used against me somehow.

with God you know that everything is possible. I feel a bit like David standing before Goliath sometimes. What I forget is that I have the God of the universe with me. That He cared enough about me to send His son to take my place. That God weeps with me.

I’ve learned that sometimes it is necessary to briefly look at the past to move past it to my future. Something about seeing where you once were and seeing how much God has worked in your life. That is Hope with a capital h.

Meaningful change by God is often not comfortable but I can attest that it is worth it. For me I had to be in the dark for a while until I could fully appreciate the light. The freedom I now have in Christ.

The things I’ve lived through were and are hard. My prayer is that I can honor God in the middle of the hard times as well as the good times. Maybe my deep sense of gratitude comes from the deep despair I lived through. I am grateful for each day. I trust God enough with each aspect of my life. Is that easy? Nope. But oh so worth it.

There is hope. God is that hope. I no longer walk on eggshells. I dance right on top of them loudly. Silent no more.

Only God can help you forgive the unforgivable. When we choose not to forgive it puts us in discord with other people. I’m not saying that you will ever have a relationship with the person in your life who has done the unforgivable. Forgiving yourself and others frees you up to live in community with others as God intended.

When you forgive someone who wrongs you, the person it really frees is you. As Christians we are called to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. That’s so easier said than done, isn’t it?

Listen to that whisper is your ear telling you set it free. It will set you free in turn. Free to love again, free to experience God’s joy.

Forgiveness is about loving the unlovable. It is about giving mercy to others.

let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of Grace. The person that it really frees is YOU.

Quote by Matthew West’s song, “Forgiveness”

Contentment. I believe contentment is peace’s cousin. Everyone is looking for peace in their lives and relationships.

Content about who you are. I’m not talking about being content with your appearance. I’m taking about being content in who you are. I never was who my ex spouse said that I was but I believed him. His untruths about me became so ingrained into my self of self that I lost who I was.

I forgot that I am a child of the King (God), made in HIS image. Fearfully and wonderfully made. I forgot who I was but I’ve been on quite a journey to remember. God had used his word (the Bible), Christian song lyrics, family and friends all as a team to remind me of who I really am. Add some counselors and some great pastors to that mix too.

Contentment about what you have. I’m talking material things here. As I write this, I’m covered up warmly by the sleeping bag I bought when I was almost homeless. This week I literally was down to my last dollar the night before payday.

I have a friend who says that I’m a glass half full kind of person which I am bit I wasn’t always like this. I moved out if my home after my ex spouse filed for divorce with a few clothes, little furniture and a baking sheet, spatula, wooden spoon my mom have me and a skillet and a couple plates.

My glass is completely full! God takes amazing care if me and my children. My life is like a bittersweet symphony sometimes but I do trust the conductor to lead me through this journey.

Be thankful for what you do have and you will no longer worry about what you don’t have. Living this way, with this mindset if gratitude will help you as you seek this concept called contentment.

I think there is something amazing about a child who is hurting crying out for their parent. That was me tonight. No I didn’t want my mom and dad, I cried out to God.

Got hurt again tonight, it opened wounds that were somewhat healed but not quite. Hurt led to my anger and feelings of unjust treatment. I wanted to defend myself but instead wrote then deleted what I wanted to text back to the hurter.

I revealed things tonight to my kids I probably shouldn’t have. As the hurt invaded my heart my mind roared with anger and hate poured out if my mouth and I was ashamed.

I took myself outside to walk, pray and worship. I sang to myself songs that are ingrained in my mind and heart, songs that helped my heart heal. When unjust things happen I cry out to God as I cannot control this other person.

God out His Holy Spirit in me. Basically God in me. The Holy Spirit makes intercession to God on my behalf. Like an amazing advocate. I sometimes forget this amazing concept.

It’s not about winning or losing but I can’t help feeling like love will win in the end. That the just God I serve will hold this person accountable.

Glad God gave us free will. Our choice to choose Him must bring Him joy as our Heavenly Father. His loving kindness is new every morning.

Be still and know that He is God. Let the noise and clamor cease. Be still and know that he is faithful. Stand in awe and be amazed and know that He will never change. Be still. Be speechless
Steven Curtis Chapman

Grace is underestimated. We don’t have to earn it from God; it’s given freely. We’ll never be perfect. You’re not too far for Him. Nothing you’ve done can keep you from His love.

I am constantly amazed at how God provides for me, for real needs. Recently we broke another dining room chair and shortly thereafter I got two suitable chairs for free. No they are not my style but I don’t care at this point and am just happy my side table can return to side table duties after serving a stint as a chair!

I have had things like this happen to me many, many times since my divorce.  Heck I was even thinking the other day that I needed a pair of black slacks (certain kind) then found some great ones for super cheap at a thrift store.  Again, God’s provision.

Or having just the right amount of dollars, down to the exact dollar before your next paycheck.  That happens to me often and not because I overspend, just because.

Just humbled at how much God cares for my daily needs.  Spoken or not yet spoken.  He knows what we need before we know it ourselves!

 

 

Tonight I get to practice my faith in action (not like I don’t every other day or try to).  Got a school event which means both me and my ex-spouse will be there with our children.  Always a “fun” situation.  What’s funny is that a long time ago this used to stress me out, now I’m not the one who appears to be miserable.  I mentally prepare ahead of time, take care of  myself, pray and head out.  I smile and am pleasant despite awkward interchanges (if any) and just awkward, well, everything.

Funny, after he filed for divorce I had this vision of co-parenting that so many people, including case workers and judges and others talked about.  What a crock!  You might both parent but there’s isn’t any “co” involved!  I envisioned us meeting at a neutral location to go over important issues facing our children, scheduling issues, etc.  My ex won’t take my calls and will only communicate through email or text message UNLESS it’s related to an emergency.

For our situation, it’s two separate individuals (as it should be – the separate part) parenting on our own, with little or no input from the other as to the big picture of our children.  Definitely not how I had it pictured.  We used to share similar values and we still do on some things but as I’ve gone through this process of divorce and re-building my life I’ve realized we couldn’t be any more different.

It makes me sad to see him because he just looks so miserable all the time, I’ve only seen him smile once or so in the past couple of years.  This used to be the person I was married to and to see him miserable is hard.  I thought today that he is reaping the consequences of his choices, but I’m not his jury nor judge.  The great news is that God’s got my back in that regard.  He will have to stand before God someday and answer for his actions and I take comfort in that.  Does that make me weird?  I’ve let go of my bitterness toward him and have forgiven him in my heart and to my God.

So, the idea of co-parenting.  I think it works for like 1% of divorces but it gets 99% of the media coverage.  It’s this idea that psychologists, therapists and some involved in the legal system have come up with.  It’s simply not true in most cases.  It’s two separate people rearing their children the way he/she deems necessary and appropriate.  End of story.  In my case there is no co-anything.  Not even any co-operation!

 

 

Love, giggles and bubbles! Tonight after dinner we all went outside to play. We met some neighbors and got to play with bubbles! So fun.

Tonight I’m thankful to be alive. It wasn’t too many years ago that I struggled to want to keep living. As depressed that I got I knew that I could never leave my children. Their love, God’s love and His grace kept me alive.

So tonight I’m thankful to have a place to live, healthy kids, friends who I love and cherish, a great church and a supportive family. I’m thankful to be employed and to have a roof over my head.

Just thankful. God takes such good care of me.