Knock knock knock

Posted: May 6, 2014 in Crazy Life of Mine
Tags: , , , , ,

There are days like Saturday when all is well in my world then days like yesterday when mania is knocking at my door. All the classic signs. Gotta be careful not to get on any tangents. No wild projects or spending or other stuff.

Even with meds it is a delicate balance to find the right meds at the right dose.then I never really know how long it will last. I feel like I’ve been given a double whammy. Not only do I have bipolar 1 but I ended up with the ultra rapid cycling kind. Bottom line hardest to treat.

There are days like yesterday that I just wish that my brain and body worked like a normal person. I am fairly sure I could conquer the world if not for all the random medical things that I struggle with. If it’s not the bipolar it’s the autoimmune thyroid disease or the adenoma in my pituitary gland or the type two diabetes or the sleep apnea or the cervical stenosis. I literally struggle against my body every single day. Yes I am more fortunate than some and I am feeling a bit like a whiner tonight.

Saturday I felt happy being who I was made to be then yesterday I wished that I were normal, whatever that is.

There are parts of me that on days like yesterday I wanted to crawl in bed, file for disability and stop working for the rest of my life. Then there is the fighter part of me that won’t let me do that unless I get seriously ill someday. A LOT of people who have what I have to the level I have it aren’t able to work. It’s hard as hell for me too but I need and want to.

I am not suicidal at all, there is no worry there but the idea if potentially not being even half done with my life sounds like 40/50 more years of struggling. Which I’m fine with but just wish it weren’t so sometimes. Again just a pity party.

I rarely tell people what it is really like to be inside my skin. There are days when I am highly functioning and there are others where I wonder if I’m slowly losing my mind.


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