Dancing on Eggshells

Posted: May 22, 2014 in 70 x 70: Forgiveness
Tags: , , , ,

I choose to reach out and let down all the fear I’ve been hiding. It’s a risk.

It’s a beautiful thing to know and be known. -Francesca Batistelli

I’m only brave because God is making me that way but it wasn’t always so. I know what it’s like to walk on eggshells in your own house, around those who are supposed to love you. I know what it felt like to feel isolated and afraid to reach out, ashamed even. I was made to feel like all the problems in my marriage were my fault.

Of course I made mistakes. I’m very very human but the difference between my ex spouse and me is that I was willing to accept responsibility for my part.

In sickness and in health. yea, right. Living with someone with bipolar disorder is I’m sure hard and probably gut wrenching at times. I’m not blind to the fact that my depression and anxiety from it effected my relationships.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to be convinced by your ex that you should commit yourself to learn term mental health facility? He actually convinced me at some point that would be in the best interest of everyone involved. Mine or his?

Looking back is very painful. I’ve put a lot of it inside to cope. I’ve been afraid to talk about it for fear of reprisals from HIM. I’m done being afraid.

I have lived for about ten years afraid, since about the time my youngest was born. Afraid to rock the boat, afraid to talk openly about what I lived through. Afraid it would someday be used against me somehow.

with God you know that everything is possible. I feel a bit like David standing before Goliath sometimes. What I forget is that I have the God of the universe with me. That He cared enough about me to send His son to take my place. That God weeps with me.

I’ve learned that sometimes it is necessary to briefly look at the past to move past it to my future. Something about seeing where you once were and seeing how much God has worked in your life. That is Hope with a capital h.

Meaningful change by God is often not comfortable but I can attest that it is worth it. For me I had to be in the dark for a while until I could fully appreciate the light. The freedom I now have in Christ.

The things I’ve lived through were and are hard. My prayer is that I can honor God in the middle of the hard times as well as the good times. Maybe my deep sense of gratitude comes from the deep despair I lived through. I am grateful for each day. I trust God enough with each aspect of my life. Is that easy? Nope. But oh so worth it.

There is hope. God is that hope. I no longer walk on eggshells. I dance right on top of them loudly. Silent no more.

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Comments
  1. Your posts are so encouraging. When I read your words, I hear my voice. Even though our circumstances were different, experiencing emotional abuse from a loved one, someone you love and trust, is almost indescribable, but you nailed it, the fear, the loneliness and depression. I can relate, but I know it’s sometes difficult for others to understand. I too have decided that I am not going to live in fear anyore. In Christ, we don’t have to be afraid any more. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your posts. God bless you.

    Like

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