Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Invisible Hurt

Posted: December 11, 2016 in Uncategorized

You know when you carry around hurt and it feels like a cement block with chains dragging you down? I’ve been letting someone have control over my heart who is not the Creator of the Umiverse.

The lies come from Satan and they are not true. I am beautiful and made in God’s image. And that is enough. Always.

Just got an email this afternoon from my ex-spouse (the emotionally abusive one) that he is getting married in a month.

So how do I handle this?  I don’t care on 99% of the levels but I do have some concerns.  He’s replacing me.  My kids have grown further and farther away from me in the past year and now it’s starting to make sense.  He’s had this person by his side the whole time and the girls kept it from me as well as he did.

So how to be dignified and graceful in this situation?  I’m not quite sure yet that is why I’m writing this down in the hopes that someone can relate to this situation or be helped by something I say here.

So a month.  Really?  He made sure to include the fact the girls like her and she cooks, plays Minecraft, colors with them.  Basically replacing me as I do those things too.  She’s never had children of her own…and she’s moving in on mine.  Maybe she’ll be great.  I’d like to meet her.

I’m going to have to up my A-game but in a dignified way.

How do you be dignified when you are in primal mode?  I really need to listen to my chill out playlist on iTunes.  And I need to listen to the Matthew West song “Forgiveness” until I can forgive him for this last thing he’s done to my  heart.

This week I was verbally assaulted by my children.  Know this:  I’m a very tough person.  My mom says I’m the most courageous person she knows.  My brother said that too.  I get out of bed every day, whether I feel like it physically or not.  I have fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder with a significant amount of anxiety that goes along with the bipolar disorder.  Yet I get up, I work.  Sometimes I’m so physically tired I can barely do anything when I get home.  My parents don’t understand it.  I wish they would.  They think my house should be ready for company at any time.  And that THAT is the reason the kids don’t want to come over.

Which leaves me with my dog.  And my two birds. Right now I want to go home, get my exercise clothes on and walk my dog, in the dark.  And walk until the hurt dies down a little bit.

If you have any suggestions as to how to rise above the emotions I’m feeling I’d love to hear from you or hear your stories.  God is still on the throne.  The sun will rise again tomorrow and the moon will come up tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up and it will be another day at work.  Then I have a whole weekend with my girls.  I have plenty to do with them.

See…my chains are gone.  Forgiveness means my chains are gone.  I’m no longer a prisoner of hate.  I’m ME.  And that is enough.

 

 

 

15 years ago today I said “I do.”  And this morning I woke up and drove to work singing worship songs.

Got to work and thought to myself:  it’s just another day, it has no power.

Then I went to work.  And that was that.

I’m no longer mourning my past.  It’s a new day!

God is my constant. Tonight I was thinking about all the wild things that have happened in my life. I was struck by an amazing sense of thankfulness.

In 2008 I was facing my first Christmas alone. My ex spouse has filed for divorce a couple of months prior, I had just started a job, I was broke, worn out, frazzled and just broken.

But God was my constant. My world and the people in it changed literally overnight and for someone who does not like change that was really hard.

The next couple of years was a blur. It was filled with hard work, always hard work. It was filled with more tears than I ever thought I’d have to shed. I didn’t think I was going to make it.

But God was my constant. He was there, with me in the sleepless nights and in the heartache. He was the one thing that didn’t change.

Having bipolar disorder, there is not a lot of constant in my life. The past twenty some years have been filled with the adventure of living in this body I was created for. It’s literally been like a roller coaster. A roller coaster called a mood disorder.

But God was my constant. I held to him when I didn’t see the light, when the depression got so bad I checked myself into the hospital for help. Multiple times. Some might call me crazy but I think the crazy people are those who don’t get help.

Friends come, friends go. Family changes. Divorce rips through families like a tsunami. Mine and my family members. New family came and then went. But God was my constant.

The thread of my life is Jesus. He is what sews the patchwork of my life together and who mends me when I break. My life has become this amazing patchwork quilt full of people: my family, my children, my friends, neat people at my church, great people at my work. God is the thread that ties all of us to each other.

I lost count of how many times I’ve moved in 15 years. I’ve had many fluffy animals come into and out of my life. Change wasn’t welcome but it wasn’t a stranger either.

But God is my constant. I’m not sure where I’ll be tomorrow but I deeply comforted by the fact that the creator of the universe not only knows my name but how many hairs are on my head right at this very second.

He’s the constant to this girl whose world doesn’t have constants. And I know that no matter how my world changes He will always be my constant.

“I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday.” 6 seconds before I was cherished and loved. Just six seconds. My stability was torn in two by that statement. My marriage stability, that is! Of course it was over long before the six seconds but that is how long it took for my world to break into smitherings.

We are just one moment away from instability at any given time. One phone call away from 911. One heartbeat away from death. One heartbeat until we enter this world at our birth.

The world is spinning on its axis and the only thing in my world that doesn’t change is one person. Every single other aspect of my life has changed or will change.

Lately I’ve been thinking about change. I realized after some thinking that the very thing I desire the most here on earth is elusive. Stability. It’s natural, right?

Marriages break. Kids rebel. Children die. Parents age. Health fades. Friendships change and sometimes they end. Our world is broken and so are we.

Be careful of what you put your stability in because the only thing that cannot be taken away in an instant is your relationship with God. He is the only stable thing in my life. He is also the only unbreakable thing in my life.

Happiness is related primarily to things. Joy – now that’s what you want. Joy is this amazing gift that God can give you right in the middle of the most unstable of times. It is a knowledge that your hope does not lay in having a successful marriage, happy and well adjusted kids, a great job, new car, a home. Joy is in the relationship with our Father.

For this girl who loves something constant the past few years have been especially hard. Now I’m convinced the only constant on earth is that there are no constants! That is why my constant is my God.

I live in a broken world but I serve a perfect God. A God who planned each and every day of my life before I was even conceived. This could mean my lack of stability down here is for a purpose that I might not ever know while I’m living. I am so looking forward to the day when I can fall into my Savior’s arms and maybe then all these crazy puzzle pieces will make a beautiful picture.

I believe the picture that will be revealed when we get to Heaven will be Jesus. Perhaps all the pieces of my life yield a beautiful picture of Jesus for the world to see. Lord, use my broken pieces to point others back to You.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Bok bok chicken

Posted: February 21, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Sauteed split chicken breasts seasoned with salt, pepper and McCormick’s Perfect Pinch Seasoning (Italian blend) was the order of choice tonight. Jasmati rice and corn. Must have been good because my oldest had seconds!

Considering the fact I’m nursing a nasty sprained foot I was quite impressed that I even cooked. I SO wanted to eat out but alas my wallet said “umm don’t think so!”

Image courtesy of amenic181 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net