Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

Words have power. We all have heard that. We have probably all felt good at the accolades from another and felt bad from the hurtful words of another.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.

What a dumb, dumb phrase some of us were taught and used as children!

Emotional abuse. Many hear that and immediately think, well it can’t be THAT serious. Verbal abuse can be yelling but it’s so much more than that. Emotional abuse is hard to put into words and I’ve lived through it.

For me emotional abuse was like being held down in cold water only to be let up once in a while to breathe. Quick breath then whoosh, back into the water that threatened to drown me.

Even though I am out of my marriage I still to this day cannot fathom how someone who professed to love me forever could do and say the things he did. It still doesn’t compute even though I quite well versed in abuse. Hundreds of hours of counseling later and I have come to this revelation.

I may never fully understand it. Some people get lost in the hurt and I did too for a while, a long while. One poignant email is seared in my mind. The person wrote telling me that essentially he was a race car, speeding along and that I was a klunker. I’ll admit I’m no Ferrari but neither was he. That is so beside the point.

I wish that I could unread that email. It was years ago. I’ve forgiven him many times (not because he asked but because I needed to, for me).

Forgiveness is a process. And it’s often something that requires ongoing forgiveness if that person is still in the outskirts of your life. 70×7.

Words have the power to build up and destroy. Words can rally an army to victory and words can cause a person to give up on life. Pick your words carefully and speak to others as you hope they’d speak to you.

I will not forget but I choose to forgive.

Advertisements

I wish that I could explain to my oldest daughter what the last 14 years have been like. Bitter and sweet mixed together in an almost lethal cocktail.

People, maybe even her, might think the emotional abuse I endured wasn’t real and frankly sometimes I wish it weren’t but it was. The worst thing was that it came from someone I loved so very much. It came from my best friend, my love, my husband. Sometimes I wish that I could close my eyes and wish it all away but it doesn’t work like that.

I wish that I could tell her how far I’ve come, how far God’s brought me. It wasn’t that many years ago that I was so depressed that I no longer wanted to live. But I chose life and do you know the main reason? I couldn’t leave those precious little girls without a mother. So I prayed a lot, spent every Wednesday night in counseling for years, found a church, a job and I am rebuilding my life for this part of the journey.

Sure, it’s much different than I had planned for my life but it is what it is. Today when the feelings of anger and hurt threatened to bubble to the surface I put them aside. I made a conscious choice to not let my feelings win.

I’ve cried an ocean of tears over the last few years. I will never forget my daughter asking me a question once. My ex had filed for divorce but hadn’t bothered to serve me with papers. My world came crashing down and the tears could not be held back. My children were little and did not know what was happening. I remember my oldest angel sitting next to me on our sofa saying “mama, mama, why are you crying?” And I just kept sobbing because I knew what was coming but wanted to spare her if even for a few more days. So she sat with me as I cried. I would give anything to have spared her (them) from watching those tears.

My children have seen their mama cry many many times. It happens less now and there is way more laughter than tears now.

I really do feel like I won the lottery when God blessed me with my two girls. I also hope that my oldest will continue to give me grace as I tell my story to the world.

I choose to reach out and let down all the fear I’ve been hiding. It’s a risk.

It’s a beautiful thing to know and be known. -Francesca Batistelli

I’m only brave because God is making me that way but it wasn’t always so. I know what it’s like to walk on eggshells in your own house, around those who are supposed to love you. I know what it felt like to feel isolated and afraid to reach out, ashamed even. I was made to feel like all the problems in my marriage were my fault.

Of course I made mistakes. I’m very very human but the difference between my ex spouse and me is that I was willing to accept responsibility for my part.

In sickness and in health. yea, right. Living with someone with bipolar disorder is I’m sure hard and probably gut wrenching at times. I’m not blind to the fact that my depression and anxiety from it effected my relationships.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to be convinced by your ex that you should commit yourself to learn term mental health facility? He actually convinced me at some point that would be in the best interest of everyone involved. Mine or his?

Looking back is very painful. I’ve put a lot of it inside to cope. I’ve been afraid to talk about it for fear of reprisals from HIM. I’m done being afraid.

I have lived for about ten years afraid, since about the time my youngest was born. Afraid to rock the boat, afraid to talk openly about what I lived through. Afraid it would someday be used against me somehow.

with God you know that everything is possible. I feel a bit like David standing before Goliath sometimes. What I forget is that I have the God of the universe with me. That He cared enough about me to send His son to take my place. That God weeps with me.

I’ve learned that sometimes it is necessary to briefly look at the past to move past it to my future. Something about seeing where you once were and seeing how much God has worked in your life. That is Hope with a capital h.

Meaningful change by God is often not comfortable but I can attest that it is worth it. For me I had to be in the dark for a while until I could fully appreciate the light. The freedom I now have in Christ.

The things I’ve lived through were and are hard. My prayer is that I can honor God in the middle of the hard times as well as the good times. Maybe my deep sense of gratitude comes from the deep despair I lived through. I am grateful for each day. I trust God enough with each aspect of my life. Is that easy? Nope. But oh so worth it.

There is hope. God is that hope. I no longer walk on eggshells. I dance right on top of them loudly. Silent no more.

Only God can help you forgive the unforgivable. When we choose not to forgive it puts us in discord with other people. I’m not saying that you will ever have a relationship with the person in your life who has done the unforgivable. Forgiving yourself and others frees you up to live in community with others as God intended.

When you forgive someone who wrongs you, the person it really frees is you. As Christians we are called to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. That’s so easier said than done, isn’t it?

Listen to that whisper is your ear telling you set it free. It will set you free in turn. Free to love again, free to experience God’s joy.

Forgiveness is about loving the unlovable. It is about giving mercy to others.

let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of Grace. The person that it really frees is YOU.

Quote by Matthew West’s song, “Forgiveness”

Contentment. I believe contentment is peace’s cousin. Everyone is looking for peace in their lives and relationships.

Content about who you are. I’m not talking about being content with your appearance. I’m taking about being content in who you are. I never was who my ex spouse said that I was but I believed him. His untruths about me became so ingrained into my self of self that I lost who I was.

I forgot that I am a child of the King (God), made in HIS image. Fearfully and wonderfully made. I forgot who I was but I’ve been on quite a journey to remember. God had used his word (the Bible), Christian song lyrics, family and friends all as a team to remind me of who I really am. Add some counselors and some great pastors to that mix too.

Contentment about what you have. I’m talking material things here. As I write this, I’m covered up warmly by the sleeping bag I bought when I was almost homeless. This week I literally was down to my last dollar the night before payday.

I have a friend who says that I’m a glass half full kind of person which I am bit I wasn’t always like this. I moved out if my home after my ex spouse filed for divorce with a few clothes, little furniture and a baking sheet, spatula, wooden spoon my mom have me and a skillet and a couple plates.

My glass is completely full! God takes amazing care if me and my children. My life is like a bittersweet symphony sometimes but I do trust the conductor to lead me through this journey.

Be thankful for what you do have and you will no longer worry about what you don’t have. Living this way, with this mindset if gratitude will help you as you seek this concept called contentment.