Posts Tagged ‘forgivneness’

All Rise

Posted: April 6, 2015 in Forgiveness
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“All rise,” the bailiff proclaimed loudly.

I didn’t want to rise that day or any of the other days I was in court for my divorce. Rise? I wanted to crawl under that table on my side of the courtroom.

Rise? Of course I gave that judge the dignity he deserved for a lifetime of service. He had earned it so I rose. Each time he entered the courtroom.

Part of me died that day back in December of 2010. My heart surely broke, that much is true. Everyone that knows me knows that.

Rise? I wanted to get on all four hands and knees and crawl my way out of that courtroom. But this thing called a divorce was happening and all I knew to do was listen to my family and my attorneys. So I did.

Rise? The very word was the opposite of what was actually happening. We were lowering ourselves. He had given up and after the divorce I would too.

A month or so ago I prayed that God would help me remember some memories that I don’t have. I begged him to help me remember some memories that were taken from me due to some unusual medical circumstances and treatments.

Tonight as I watched a movie based in a courtroom when the bailiff in the movie proclaimed “all rise”, I was immediately transported back to that courtroom so many years ago. My courtroom.

And the tears began to fall like rain. After I finished the movie I was sitting, crying uncontrollably. Then I realized that if my memory was restored that it would include the good and the bad.

Rise? I’m willing to rise from my fallen countenance if it means remembering more of my children’s young memories. If it means remembering playing in the sandbox with them I am willing to rise above the sadness to remember.

So, with God’s help, I will rise. I refuse to be a prisoner of the bad memories only. I embrace every good memory I have, even of my marriage. Because it all is what has made me ME. And I’m learning to like ME a little bit more with each year.