The other day I was sitting at the stoplight behind a vehicle with sorority symbols. It got me to thinking how God is the Alpha (beginning) and the Omega (end). It was a good reminder that what God sees is the whole of my life from the beginning to the end.
It is comforting to know that my life was planned by Him and that he knows what will happen each and every moment.
When things feel big I try to remember that I serve the Alpha and the Omega and it puts things in perspective!
And so fall has crept up on me and I realized I haven’t posted in a while! Driving down the road tonight there were the prettiest almost scarlet colored trees in a long row. It was gorgeous!
Tonight I’m really struggling with pain from fibromyalgia. Every time I got up to get a drink today my whole body creaked!!! Literally I feel like every single muscle is in pain. Excruciating pain. Literally my toes all the way to my neck and head hurt.
Trying not to whine is hard. I work hard despite the pain. Many people go on disability because of what I have but I want to work! I want to fight back!
To top that I miss my kids more than words can say. I hope to get back into a routine with them soon, because my heart misses them!
In other news my new sleep study determined I don’t have sleep apnea!!!!! Woot! No more cpap at night!
And so for that I am thankful,
I realized today that I have not written in 159 days. Let me clue you in.
Back in March I got pneumonia, then a sinus infection and an earache all within a month. My labs showed high white blood count and my doc sent me out to a hematologist/oncologist. They were concerned I might have leukemia.
After we ruled that out they thought I might have lymphoma. Nope. Then because my heart was enlarged on an X-ray they had me do an echocardiogram. My heart is fine.
Then they thought maybe lupus. The rheumatologist ruled that out finally this summer but did diagnose me with fibromyalgia.
I thought that was a bunch of bunk until I wound up with it. There have been days the touch of clothing hurts. I currently sleep under my velvet blanket inside out with the velvet facing me. My down comforter was too heavy!
This summer I walked down halls I had hoped to avoid at a hospital. Saw familiar nurses and doctors. Social workers. My brain broke or that’s what it felt like. I came there very manic and eventually left very mellow. And flat. But maybe flat is good, is normal?
Made a decision to get myself better before having my kiddos but each day feels like an eternity when we are apart. I miss hearing giggles, watching nail polish be applied. I miss watching my eldest child bloom into a glorious flower. Kid has smarts and brains. Both are sweet.
I’ll try to keep it from being 159 days until I write again.
What a wild and expected couple of weeks this has been! I was diagnosed with pneumonia a couple of weeks ago. Round one of antibiotics was a failure so they did more X-rays and am on round two of antibiotics.
Although I would not wish on my enemies, it has allowed me time to rest. Truly rest. Unplugged from most in the world, from work, from most things. I spend whole days not talking to another human being.
This morning I was cleaning my kitchen listening to my favorite playlist on my smartphone. Singing and worshipping my King who sits in the throne in Heaven and in my life.
Listening to my favorite music is like a weird trip down memory lane. Each song on my list has been one that God has used powerfully in my life. It’s like revisiting old memories but this time they are more like revisiting God’s mercy and grace.
When each song comes on I am transported to a certain time in my life, often that started with turmoil but was redeemed by God’s grace. They are like little victory songs, gems.
I own a rather spectacular dog named Louie. When I sing his tail wags and I don’t think he quite knows what to make of it but he knows that I’m happy and in turn, that makes him happy.
My mom wrote me an email recently and told me that I’m so brave. It was sweet. I’ve never thought of my being brave. I look at my life and am humbled by the God who has carried me through so much and I rejoice. I’m not brave, I just have learned to cling to Him with my last bit of strength, knowing His strength will carry me when I’m not strong enough.
I serve a big God. One who cares about me. One who cares about you. Who cared so much that He sent His only Son to die on the cross. You see, the Bible tells us that sin separates us from God. Nothing we do can bridge the gap between our sin and God. So God, being all loving, sent Jesus to take our place. To cover our sins and give us the chance to be able to approach God. This week Christians celebrate Easter.
For those of you who are unfamiliar about what Easter is and how amazing it is I’ll sum it up. Jesus was killed. He took our place as our sins (wrong things we do) would separate us from God for eternity.
So God being the all loving God sent His Only son (can you imagine) to die in our place. But that’s not the cool part. After being crucified on a cross, Jesus rose from the DEAD after three days in his tomb. He declared victory over death.
I ask you: do you know where you are going to spend eternity after you die? The Bible states two options: hell and Heaven. No amount of good deeds will get you to Heaven.
It’s simple: realize that we need God. Thank Him for sending Jesus to take our place, to pay the price for our sin. Ask him if he will transform your life. I can guarantee you that it will change your life as it did mine.
I’ve tried hard to keep this as real as possible. If you would like to know more about how to have JOY in the midst of life, please write me or comment here so I can communicate with you and pray on your behalf.
This is the week we celebrate good news! Join me in serving an all powerful, all knowing and all loving God. I invite you.
The hum of the washing machine as it whirls in the background. Listening to my top 25 playlist on my iPhone. There it is again. That song. Forgiveness by Matthew West.
This song is like the anthem of my life that just won’t go away. Even now I sit here on my soft green chair with pneumonia it plays and I type.
I know that God has forgiven everything that I’ve done and everything that I will do. That concept is hard to wrap a mind around but I grab onto it like a life raft.
I’ve forgiven others for things I never thought possible.
Yet here I sit pondering the concept of self forgiveness. It sounds like a bunch of psychobabble bunk but I take pause. This might be the missing link to this journey of grace I’ve been on.
I give grace to others: my family, my friends and my kids but I am less likely to give it to myself. Why is that? I think it’s because deep down I think that I don’t deserve it. Sure I know what the Bible says and trusted people say but still I reserve this concept of forgiveness for others, leaving me devoid of this freedom.
But what if:
I could lay down my condemnation of my failures, of my sin, and allow myself to forgive myself?
To:
Fully accept that forgiveness that God sent His Son, Jesus, to earth for.
Perhaps:
I could finally fly.
One last day of my half of spring break with my children. Today I remembered what it was like to be a stay at home mom and for a few minutes I was sad. Not sure the kids even noticed it.
On breaks I feel like normal. Or what used to be my normal. With them waking up and going to bed in my home day after day. It is the best thing in the whole world.
I think people considering divorce should spend not only time with trusted advisors and counsellors but they should also be required to spend equal amounts of time with divorced folks. They need to see the realities of it all from all the angles.
As complicated as divorce is, I have chosen to make the most of each day of the new normal (what I call my post divorce life).
That includes jumping into situations that are hard, wearing both parenting hats, and daily choosing or at least trying my very best to make each and every day with my kids count.
Count for fun, for discipline, for learning, for memories. Making the most of each day. Each meal. Savoring the sweet moments with each child. Stolen moments.
Single parenting is hard. Really hard. But when I think that I am not capable, God’s grace flows down and grants me peace in the middle of the chaos.
This was the first day in a really, really long time that I am not just wiped out now at the end of the day. It’s weird and wonderful at the same time.
I think my weekend rested my body, mind and soul. I had a lot of time to think about what is going on in my life, in the lives of my children and to pray.
God has put very specific things on my heart to pray for my daughters about. Sometimes I wonder if they know just how much I love being their mom and just being together with them. I hope they never doubt my love or commitment to their well being.
Having bipolar disorder is interesting. Sometimes interesting good and sometimes interesting more harder. Very rarely do I get more than one day that my body and mind are not warring against each other. Once in a blue moon, like tonight, I imagine this is what it must feel like to be normal.
No busy head, no mood swings, my body is just at peace. My mind isn’t noisy. No I don’t hear voices but my mind is just noisy a lot. It’s hard to explain.
A big fat tear just ran down my cheek because I wish that I could feel this normal everyday. And the tear was because it just isn’t so. And then I reminded that this life here on earth is temporary. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I die I’ll go to Heaven. I also am comforted here on earth because I know that the troubles in this life are only temporary.
I’m just on the first part of eternity. This stint here on earth. And someday God will wipe the tears from my eyes and my body will be healed. What joy that will be.
Until then I get to trust Him for my everything. For my children, for my job, health, family and future. But I will sleep well tonight knowing that the God who hung each star in the sky not only knows me but knows me intimately. He knows how many hairs are on my head this very instant.
The silence is deafening and it’s a beautiful thing. Work, email, texts, phone calls, family, friends, kids, church, dog, home. These things are all wonderful but I cherish the time that I get to just be silent.
When there are no work calls to take, no one wanting my attention. It’s my time to recooperate and recharge for the next season of life.
Unless you are one you have no idea the unique challenges one faces as a single mom. The drive that gets you out of bed in the morning. The willingness to do whatever it takes to provide for my family. Working odd jobs on the side, some that you like and some you don’t, so that you can pay your bills and maybe have enough money to take the kids out once in a while.
But I do it willingly. You see, when I get to have silence for a day I am again reminded of just how thankful I am and how blessed I am to be their mom. It truly is my “calling”.
People say I’m an extrovert and that makes me smile because I don’t think of myself that way. I think that I am an introvert who has learned how to be more extroverted so she can feel connected to others. I do this not because I want to but because it is good for me to interact with others. To not be alone.
For me, silence is my way of recooperating from a week of pretending to be an extrovert. It’s my way of enjoying just being alone. I recharge when I am alone; I’ve always been like that. Extroverts would recharge by being around others. I am not like that. When I need to recharge my batteries I turn to silence.
For many reasons, silence = peace. In silence there are no hurtful words being slung around in real time or cyberspace. There is no bickering of siblings trying to live together. In silence it feels like protection. It’s safe.
But God did not create us to be alone. I am a mom, a daughter, sister, sister in law, niece, cousin, aunt, employee. So after being recharged by silence I enter the more uncomfortable extroverted world for another week of noise.
I do this because we were created to live in community. We were created to be family members, moms, aunts, cousins, daughters, sisters, sister in laws, and employees. And so much more.
The fuel is in the silence but the reward is from the relationships.
When I see parents post about taking technology and devices away from their kids, getting off Facebook, etc I just want to say DUH. Wow you are actually amazed your child read a book when you took their device away? What is amazing in this scenario is not that they read a book or painted a picture but that YOU were surprised.
I’m not anti technology, never have been but I am painfully aware of the consequences of it. Technology is amazing. The ideas and concepts being created now boggle the mind.
The problem with technology and the individual is this. We were created by God to have relationship with each other. Texting and Skyping is the technology equivalent to relationships that porn is. Both are a cheap substitute for the real thing.
When you spend more time with your computer for fun than your spouse or kids then a large bell should go off. If it doesn’t you have major problems which you don’t even know about yet.
I was married and my spouse would email me from upstairs instead of just coming down to talk with me. I remember us sitting in the same room, both on our laptops and he emailed me. And I was just five feet away in real life but in reality I was an eternity away. Because technology did not enhance relationship. It kept real communication from happening.
There were many, many times that I was jealous of my spouse’s relationship with his laptop and company. He courted his servers more than he ever courted me. While he cared for his clients, servers and computer programs diligently it was an escape for him. Hiding behind technology kept him from having to have real relationships with others. With me. With our kids.
I’m an adult and realize the problem was not me. But I worry that my children will grow up wishing their dad had put down the laptop and had just spent time with them a bit more. I hope that they realize that they are worthy of our time, of his time. All the time.
So I don’t have cable, watch tv other than Netflix, don’t have Internet access at home and no longer use a computer for personal use at my home. I wouldn’t trade the time I get to spend with my girls for any amount of Leave it to Beaver episodes.
And that is my choice. I choose relationships over technology. I choose the touch of a little girl’s hand over the cold touch of a keyboard.
Dogs are good therapy.
I know that I usually write about things related to bipolar disorder and other heavy topics but tonight I just want to celebrate the good stuff.
My dog is by far the coolest dog I’ve ever had. He’s the third Golden Retriever I’ve owned but he’s a once in a lifetime dog.
If I’m sad he comes and lays by me. Sometimes in the middle of the night he just gets up and plops his head down on me to snuggle.
At almost any given time of the day I can reach out my arm or leg and he is within reach. This dog has taught me how to love again and quit laughing at me. It’s true.
I’m thankful that my fluffy dog is curled up with his head touching my arm as I pen this.
Not everything in my world is heavy. Some things are quite wonderful indeed and he is one of them.
Ordinary Girl, Extraordinary God 