How to be Dignified

Just got an email this afternoon from my ex-spouse (the emotionally abusive one) that he is getting married in a month.

So how do I handle this?  I don’t care on 99% of the levels but I do have some concerns.  He’s replacing me.  My kids have grown further and farther away from me in the past year and now it’s starting to make sense.  He’s had this person by his side the whole time and the girls kept it from me as well as he did.

So how to be dignified and graceful in this situation?  I’m not quite sure yet that is why I’m writing this down in the hopes that someone can relate to this situation or be helped by something I say here.

So a month.  Really?  He made sure to include the fact the girls like her and she cooks, plays Minecraft, colors with them.  Basically replacing me as I do those things too.  She’s never had children of her own…and she’s moving in on mine.  Maybe she’ll be great.  I’d like to meet her.

I’m going to have to up my A-game but in a dignified way.

How do you be dignified when you are in primal mode?  I really need to listen to my chill out playlist on iTunes.  And I need to listen to the Matthew West song “Forgiveness” until I can forgive him for this last thing he’s done to my  heart.

This week I was verbally assaulted by my children.  Know this:  I’m a very tough person.  My mom says I’m the most courageous person she knows.  My brother said that too.  I get out of bed every day, whether I feel like it physically or not.  I have fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder with a significant amount of anxiety that goes along with the bipolar disorder.  Yet I get up, I work.  Sometimes I’m so physically tired I can barely do anything when I get home.  My parents don’t understand it.  I wish they would.  They think my house should be ready for company at any time.  And that THAT is the reason the kids don’t want to come over.

Which leaves me with my dog.  And my two birds. Right now I want to go home, get my exercise clothes on and walk my dog, in the dark.  And walk until the hurt dies down a little bit.

If you have any suggestions as to how to rise above the emotions I’m feeling I’d love to hear from you or hear your stories.  God is still on the throne.  The sun will rise again tomorrow and the moon will come up tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up and it will be another day at work.  Then I have a whole weekend with my girls.  I have plenty to do with them.

See…my chains are gone.  Forgiveness means my chains are gone.  I’m no longer a prisoner of hate.  I’m ME.  And that is enough.

 

 

 

Creaking cracking

And so fall has crept up on me and I realized I haven’t posted in a while! Driving down the road tonight there were the prettiest almost scarlet colored trees in a long row. It was gorgeous!

Tonight I’m really struggling with pain from fibromyalgia. Every time I got up to get a drink today my whole body creaked!!! Literally I feel like every single muscle is in pain. Excruciating pain. Literally my toes all the way to my neck and head hurt.

Trying not to whine is hard. I work hard despite the pain. Many people go on disability because of what I have but I want to work! I want to fight back!

To top that I miss my kids more than words can say. I hope to get back into a routine with them soon, because my heart misses them!

In other news my new sleep study determined I don’t have sleep apnea!!!!! Woot! No more cpap at night!

And so for that I am thankful,

159 Days Of silence

I realized today that I have not written in 159 days. Let me clue you in.

Back in March I got pneumonia, then a sinus infection and an earache all within a month. My labs showed high white blood count and my doc sent me out to a hematologist/oncologist.  They were concerned I might have leukemia. 

After we ruled that out they thought I might have lymphoma. Nope. Then because my heart was enlarged on an X-ray they had me do an echocardiogram. My heart is fine.

Then they thought maybe lupus. The rheumatologist ruled that out finally this summer but did diagnose me with fibromyalgia.

I thought that was a bunch of bunk until I wound up with it.  There have been days the touch of clothing hurts. I currently sleep under my velvet blanket inside out with the velvet facing me. My down comforter was too heavy!

This summer I walked down halls I had hoped to avoid at a hospital. Saw familiar nurses and doctors. Social workers. My brain broke or that’s what it felt like. I came there very manic and eventually left very mellow. And flat. But maybe flat is good, is normal?

Made a decision to get myself better before having my kiddos but each day feels like an eternity when we are apart. I miss hearing giggles, watching nail polish be applied. I miss watching my eldest child bloom into a glorious flower. Kid has smarts and brains. Both are sweet. 

I’ll try to keep it from being 159 days until I write again.

A Cease Fire between my Body and Mind

This was the first day in a really, really long time that I am not just wiped out now at the end of the day. It’s weird and wonderful at the same time.

I think my weekend rested my body, mind and soul. I had a lot of time to think about what is going on in my life, in the lives of my children and to pray.

God has put very specific things on my heart to pray for my daughters about. Sometimes I wonder if they know just how much I love being their mom and just being together with them. I hope they never doubt my love or commitment to their well being.

Having bipolar disorder is interesting. Sometimes interesting good and sometimes interesting more harder. Very rarely do I get more than one day that my body and mind are not warring against each other. Once in a blue moon, like tonight, I imagine this is what it must feel like to be normal.

No busy head, no mood swings, my body is just at peace. My mind isn’t noisy. No I don’t hear voices but my mind is just noisy a lot. It’s hard to explain.

A big fat tear just ran down my cheek because I wish that I could feel this normal everyday. And the tear was because it just isn’t so. And then I reminded that this life here on earth is temporary. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I die I’ll go to Heaven. I also am comforted here on earth because I know that the troubles in this life are only temporary.

I’m just on the first part of eternity. This stint here on earth. And someday God will wipe the tears from my eyes and my body will be healed. What joy that will be.

Until then I get to trust Him for my everything. For my children, for my job, health, family and future. But I will sleep well tonight knowing that the God who hung each star in the sky not only knows me but knows me intimately. He knows how many hairs are on my head this very instant.

An Extroverted Introvert Speaks Her Mind

The silence is deafening and it’s a beautiful thing. Work, email, texts, phone calls, family, friends, kids, church, dog, home. These things are all wonderful but I cherish the time that I get to just be silent.

When there are no work calls to take, no one wanting my attention. It’s my time to recooperate and recharge for the next season of life.

Unless you are one you have no idea the unique challenges one faces as a single mom. The drive that gets you out of bed in the morning. The willingness to do whatever it takes to provide for my family. Working odd jobs on the side, some that you like and some you don’t, so that you can pay your bills and maybe have enough money to take the kids out once in a while.

But I do it willingly. You see, when I get to have silence for a day I am again reminded of just how thankful I am and how blessed I am to be their mom. It truly is my “calling”.

People say I’m an extrovert and that makes me smile because I don’t think of myself that way. I think that I am an introvert who has learned how to be more extroverted so she can feel connected to others. I do this not because I want to but because it is good for me to interact with others. To not be alone.

For me, silence is my way of recooperating from a week of pretending to be an extrovert. It’s my way of enjoying just being alone. I recharge when I am alone; I’ve always been like that. Extroverts would recharge by being around others. I am not like that. When I need to recharge my batteries I turn to silence.

For many reasons, silence = peace. In silence there are no hurtful words being slung around in real time or cyberspace. There is no bickering of siblings trying to live together. In silence it feels like protection. It’s safe.

But God did not create us to be alone. I am a mom, a daughter, sister, sister in law, niece, cousin, aunt, employee. So after being recharged by silence I enter the more uncomfortable extroverted world for another week of noise.

I do this because we were created to live in community. We were created to be family members, moms, aunts, cousins, daughters, sisters, sister in laws, and employees. And so much more.

The fuel is in the silence but the reward is from the relationships.

Soap that almost Teleported me

Yesterday I stood looking out the window of a hospital room where I was visiting someone. Just down the hill is the psych hospital where I was many, many times over the years.

I was doing fairly well with it until I went to the restroom and the smell of the soap was exactly the same kind in the psych hospital. It was bizarre. With a simple inhale I was transported to a psych hospital, to my room there.

Even being in this part of town gives me the creeps. Too many memories. Some of my darkest times were spent inside the walls of that hospital. Hanging onto life, barely.

As I looked down that hill at the hospital I realized that is my past but it does not have to be my future.

My Constant

God is my constant. Tonight I was thinking about all the wild things that have happened in my life. I was struck by an amazing sense of thankfulness.

In 2008 I was facing my first Christmas alone. My ex spouse has filed for divorce a couple of months prior, I had just started a job, I was broke, worn out, frazzled and just broken.

But God was my constant. My world and the people in it changed literally overnight and for someone who does not like change that was really hard.

The next couple of years was a blur. It was filled with hard work, always hard work. It was filled with more tears than I ever thought I’d have to shed. I didn’t think I was going to make it.

But God was my constant. He was there, with me in the sleepless nights and in the heartache. He was the one thing that didn’t change.

Having bipolar disorder, there is not a lot of constant in my life. The past twenty some years have been filled with the adventure of living in this body I was created for. It’s literally been like a roller coaster. A roller coaster called a mood disorder.

But God was my constant. I held to him when I didn’t see the light, when the depression got so bad I checked myself into the hospital for help. Multiple times. Some might call me crazy but I think the crazy people are those who don’t get help.

Friends come, friends go. Family changes. Divorce rips through families like a tsunami. Mine and my family members. New family came and then went. But God was my constant.

The thread of my life is Jesus. He is what sews the patchwork of my life together and who mends me when I break. My life has become this amazing patchwork quilt full of people: my family, my children, my friends, neat people at my church, great people at my work. God is the thread that ties all of us to each other.

I lost count of how many times I’ve moved in 15 years. I’ve had many fluffy animals come into and out of my life. Change wasn’t welcome but it wasn’t a stranger either.

But God is my constant. I’m not sure where I’ll be tomorrow but I deeply comforted by the fact that the creator of the universe not only knows my name but how many hairs are on my head right at this very second.

He’s the constant to this girl whose world doesn’t have constants. And I know that no matter how my world changes He will always be my constant.

The Sun after the Storm

Today I found my joy again. I was really sick with an infection for a couple of weeks which led me to feeling physically ill.

Then add to that a really mean spirited lady at work and some stress with that. Compound that with a small bout of depression and you have the perfect bipolar storm.

It came, it threatened to bury me but I’m still here. My parents and family always tell me how courageous I am but I think it’s more that I’m stubborn.

When stress threatens my peace I have learned over the years what to do. I rest. I sleep. I eat good for me foods. I take appropriate medicine. I spend time both by myself and I talk to those that I love and who love me. I cry, I sing, I worship with both my tears and my song.

I spend time with my dog. He’s better than any therapist I’ve ever seen and I’ve been to plenty over the years.

I pray. I listen to what I think God is teaching me.

I care for my body as God cares for my soul. The two come together again and the bipolar storm clouds roll away.

The sun has come back out. Thank you, God.

Right Words at the Right Time

The right words at the right time. This week I had to step out into the stairwell at work to call my dad. I was upset and frustrated and worried. A lack of timely communication about my daughter had me feeling hurt and worried.

As my dad often does, he talked me through the rough situation, offering insight into me and the other party involved that was wise and timely.

After we discussed my reaction to being hurt, again, my dad said these words which wrote on the very surface of my heart:

He can’t hurt you anymore.

And with that, something healed in my heart and head. You see, I HEARD it and believed it. No, I won’t live a life without hurt or loss. How I react to it is what is important.

I’m done. No more power is being given over.

He can’t hurt me anymore.

Be Faithful in the Little Things

Be faithful in the little things. Over the past year, this thought kept coming to my mind. I’ve not doubt God was prompting me and at first I did not know what it meant.

Months passed. I was faithful in the little things. I worked hard at my contract job. I made effort in little things in my personal life and life with my children and extended family.

Recently, my life has had an explosion of amazing things. I was hired full-time in my current contracting job so in a week or so I will have full benefits (medical, vision and dental insurance), PTO, paid holidays and other benefits. I was blown away. Not only did I get the job but they gave me a promotion and more money. Funny thing – if I would have been hired a year ago I wouldn’t have gotten either. But God knew. And I waited. I was faithful every day in my job. Even if I wasn’t given the job, it would have been the right thing to do.

One day I cried out to God, literally. I said “God, please send me someone to help take care of me.” The next day, God answered my prayer in an obvious way. My dad called out of the blue and said “mom and I would like to help you move, pay for the deposits, movers, etc.” I was blown away and of course burst out in tears. Once again it was a out and out answer to prayer. God has done amazing answers to prayer in my life but tangible ones since my divorce.

So then my brother and dad went to look for a place for me. Found one even better than I’d hoped in my price range. It was perfect. All I had to do was visit it and sign the lease. For this single mom stretched for time and energy, this was such a blessing.

I needed to give up my cat which I was allergic too but this fell into the being faithful in little things category. Even though it was hard, it was the right thing all around for me and my family. Then, my brother offered to help me with my dog. With training, food (he gets free food at his business), etc. And was excited about my having one and understood how important a dog was to me. This was a blessing. I had kept my owning a dog hidden from my family for 1.5 years. Now I was blessed with not only being able to tell the truth but to get the support of all my family.

Tomorrow I move into my new place. To say I’m excited is too mild a comment. I’m thankful, blessed, happy and full of peace and joy. God has done a great thing in my life with the full time job, new apartment, new mattress donated to me, new bedding donated by family and dear friends, etc.

I am deeply grateful tonight.