Archive for February, 2014

I am not a yoga pant wearing, Starbuck’s toting, ponytailed kind of mom. Just got back from the science fair and am filled with profound emotions once again.

My world is filled with wonderful in tact families and what look to be very happy children. I used to be one of these families. Now I’m not. Although I’ve tried to pick up the pieces of my life with God’s arms holding me up, I am still profoundly saddened every time I am in large groups of families.

I call it my new normal but there’s nothing normal about my life I feel. Unless you have walked in my shoes you don’t understand why I stood in my bathroom and cried this morning because my girls were at their dad’s.

Unless you’ve lived through and survived a marriage that I had you can’t possibly know what it’s like to be in the vicsinity of your ex spouse and have PTSD bounce back symptoms once in a while when you see him.

Laying here in my bed pondering these complex emotions . Giving myself some grace for a few minutes then I’m going to have to shut it off again and re-engage in my new normal. Part of me wishes I could rewind to about 2004 when was the last time my little family was together and happy. (We divorced in 2010. Been on my own since 2008)

And yet as the tears start to cease, I am reminded again that I am being held securely by my Creator. He has used the shattering of my dreams to bring me closer to Him, to allow me to encounter Him in a way that I believe can only happen when we are stripped bare of our dreams.

Listening to Matthew West’s song “Forgiveness” on a loop. Over and over in the hopes that I will remember once again that I have to let this pain go AGAIN, put it aside and choose to forgive him as Christ forgave me.

For me, the act of forgiveness is an act of obedience to God. It’s opposite to how I feel but it’s necessary. Somewhere in between the PTSDish flashbacks of emotions that got triggered there is peace. And it can only be found if I lay my hurt down at the feet of Jesus.

Image courtesy of Idea go /


As I reach the end of my day tonight I was thinking to myself:

Did the time I spent for over three hours on the phone tonight talking with and listening to friends matter?

Lately my heart has been burdened (I kind of hate that term we Christians use) for others. Today I’m choosing not to focus on the chaos in my life but I want to help others turn their focus back to God.

Tomorrow I face a situation that is going to require more grace and dignity than I think that I can muster so I’m just going to pray about it and try to be a class act. The natural part of me wants to scream and say “it’s not fair!”

yeah, so what?

We weren’t promised that life would be fair or easy. We were promised that God would never leave us alone. If we are Christians, God’s put the Holy Spirit in us.

Yes I realize to someone who is yet to know God the term Holy Spirit probably makes us sound like a bunch of crackpots. I get that. Only it’s real.

God is part of the trinity/the Godhead. Three in one yet three separate entities. My church is starting a new sermon series on the trinity this weekend and I’m very excited to learn more about it.

Off topic. Sorry! Did your words and actions today have an eternal significance? How so?

Sometimes I say things that are cutting and hurtful in jest. They hurt the ones I love and that makes me sad.

I need to read the book of James tonight and remind myself about the tongue and how it can be a problem.

How our words have the power to build up and also to tear down. Sometimes I think that I’ve torn down more than my fair share and that saddens me.

I’m truly a heel. God please forgive me. And the person I hurt may she forgive me too.


Posted: February 24, 2014 in Special Topics
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— noun

adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty

the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship’s hull

What does integrity mean in your world and the better question is, do you have it? What does integrity look like in your world?

Integrity does not mean you’re better than the next bloke. It means you are better than your natural self. It means making good and hard choices and having the courage to live with them.

Integrity might mean taking exactly the time allotted to you for lunch or breaks instead of running long as your colleagues do. It is doing the right thing when no one is looking or even cares…because that is what you are and how you behave.

Be a man or woman of integrity. In whatever you do. Do it with no thought of reward. Do it because it is the right thing to do.

I love that God knows all my faults, failures, sins and still loves me anyway. He truly is love. He doesn’t just demonstrate love; He IS love.

Having been through an excruciating divorce, God’s love is what I cling to. It is the only perfect love we’ll ever experience here on earth.

I’ve been hurt, betrayed and given up on by one I loved. Will my heart ever fully mend from that? I doubt it until I walk through Heaven’s gates into the arms of perfect love.

Was I perfect in love? Nope, not even close! I screwed up, loved imperfectly. So did my spouse. Now we’re living the day to day aftershock of this.

No amount of counseling from wise sources will heal what broke in me. In fact, although God has been and is changing me from the inside out, I will forever bear the scars from imperfect love. Not physical but scars that threaten my joy sometimes.

Today I spent time in tears, in worship and joyful times tonight too. I’m passionately living this journey of my faith…moving toward the finish line each day.

God is using each experience in my life, each hard thing and good thing to make me more into His image.

Here’s to another day. Until next time….

So which comes first? Do I buy the medicine with money I can’t afford so I can function better so I can get a better job? Or get a job then I can afford the medicine?

I grew up in wealth. I have a hundred thousand dollar education. Every advantage. And I’m making about a dollar more an hour than I did twenty years ago.

I’m weary. I’m tired. No these are not the same things.

I need a job. A good job with benefits.

I want to get a good job so that I can get a better place then maybe I can have my kids more. What a pipe dream. They are going to be grown and gone and I’ll still be battling bipolar disorder. Alone.

I want a good job. I dream of a little house with rose bushes. I dream of my little girls playing in the yard then coming in for dinner. It’s a good dream and it is what keeps me going on days like today when I am tempted to quit.

Image courtesy of Danilo Rizzuti /

Profound Feelings

Posted: February 22, 2014 in Crazy Life of Mine
Tags: , ,

Yesterday I learned my contract job not only probably isn’t going to turn into a perm job but I don’t want to work there anyway.

The company I’m contracting with is struggling financially and now I see why. The problem is with most of management haven’t created a company culture that makes happy workers. Instead the bean counters have no clue how to manage their true resources, their people. If someone were to rebuild the company and rethink how to create an environment that creates or brings out excellence that company’s financial problems would solve itself.

I’m done. I will continue to work my hardest until I find something else but I am done. God’s moving me onto something else.

I need to rebound with Gods help.